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| And for a change, it's not sexual...
I want to be laying in my bed, crying my eyes out because of whatever reason. Thinking that absolutely nothing could cheer me up. And then I want to hear a noise on my window, get up, open it, and see a boy standing there, in the pouring rain. Someone who just wants to hold me, for as long as it takes. Someone who will take me back to his house, who conveniently lives right around the corner. Someone who will hold me in his hoodie with him to keep me warm, and just give me one big reasurring kiss that makes me feel like everything is okay, for that one single moment.
But nothing will ever be completely okay.
SO CLICHE. I know. But it's never happened to me. And I've always dreamed of it.
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| we were having sex. and i cried. i didn't bawl. it was more of an inside cry. like when you feel the tears coming and you start to breathe heavily.
lucky for me, i was already breathing heavily.
i shed a single tear, but subtly wiped it away on the pillow. he didn't notice. i'm not depressed, i'm not pathetic. i just couldn't stop thinking about him. and him. both of them. but not the one who was on top of me. of course, it didn't help that Coheed was playing, which brought back way too many "G" memories. and just the entire situation, position, and mood, brought back way too many "J" memories. i know i still have feelings for both, i'm not gonna deny it anymore. i wish they'd just go away. not the people, the feelings. eh but maybe i should be careful what i wish for. i guess i never know what could happen in the next five seconds, you know?
I just hope my past doesn't interfere so much with my present, like it always does.
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| He can't possibly love me this much.
I need help. I don't want him to become another Jarid. I love him, but I don't trust myself enough to never take him for granted.
Fuck, if I wasn't me I'd NEVER date me, ever. I'd simply use me every now and then for a good fuck.
I just can't accept the fact that every so often someone is really gonna love and care about me this much. I can't believe it, because I don't think it's possible.
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| even in the happiest of situations.
Aren't human beings supposed to want the win? We go in for the kill, and when we get it, we are completely satisfied. So what happens when the kill gets us, before we get it? I am far more disappointed in myself than he is. And the worst of the worst is that I know I'm perfectly capable of doing it again. But I don't want to, ever ever ever again.
I expected anger. Raging, burning, screaming anger. With cursing and name-calling and defending, offending. None of that. Sometimes people are too understanding. I don't understand that.
I should start blogging more. It's amazing how well i can express myself through this.
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| i am in love with someone who lies.
treats me like shit.
juggles all these girls and thinks he can just get away with it.
he comes,
he goes.
he loves me,
he doesn't know me.
he kisses me,
he wants my money.
and he's the one i love, and want to be with forever and ever.
he took my virginity.
and when he left he took my happiness.
two things i'll never get back.
Edit: October 23, 2008 -
I got one of them back. Take a wild guess? :) I have a boyfriend.
Also,
She was never my best friend. She was never a friend. She was a liar and a fake. A feeling of immense gratitude has come over me since she's been gone. I am so happy.
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